As I sat down a few weeks ago to begin preparing to write this blog, it seemed like a good idea to brainstorm a few topics. In those 10 minutes, I came up with about 25 ideas, all that were pertinent to a student in adult higher education at Granite State College. This week I was going to write about the virtue of setting goals, the sacrifices that come along with them, and the rewards that I would reap down the road.
As I turned on my computer, I hopped on Facebook first to see what my friends were up to, and that's when I received some horrible news: Shena Nolan, a close friend of mine from high school who lived in Ohio, had been brutally murdered a couple hours before. With that news, the lives of me and her closest friends came to a screeching halt. My first thoughts were to do two things: find out as much about the event as possible and to begin to console my friends and allow myself to be consoled.
As I turned on my computer, I hopped on Facebook first to see what my friends were up to, and that's when I received some horrible news: Shena Nolan, a close friend of mine from high school who lived in Ohio, had been brutally murdered a couple hours before. With that news, the lives of me and her closest friends came to a screeching halt. My first thoughts were to do two things: find out as much about the event as possible and to begin to console my friends and allow myself to be consoled.
The evening that this happened, I was up until 2AM, refreshing Google for news, as it filtered in slowly. First, reports of a stabbing in Lebanon, Ohio, followed by a high speed chase. Then reports the attacker was caught, but with injuries requiring medical attention. Then the news that his injuries were self-inflicted. Around 1AM we learned that he had died as well. A range of emotions have struck me this week:
SHOCK that this word "murder", which seemed so distant, like something that happens only in the movies, was affecting me
ANGER that my friend, who I just talked to on Monday, two days before, had been taken from my life
REVENGE, followed by a second wave of anger when I found out he was dead, as I wanted him to pay for his horrific crime
GUILT over laughter and smiles
FEAR that people would worry about me
CONCERN about getting on with my life
Work and evening college classes took a backseat to my immediate needs and feelings. Efforts were hollow: homework was late and half-hearted this week. I went through the motions at work, just doing the bare minimum and bowing out of any meetings that I could. I grieved by posting news about Shena on Facebook, I talked with friends about her, about my pain, and I wrote to her on her Facebook page. A close friend of mine told me that the best way to honor Shena was to grieve appropriately, but to also live my life to the fullest. It's tough initially to think of doing that, knowing that she now cannot, but I know she would do that if she were here. She herself was an adult student at a college with online classes, very close to graduating. She also was a mother spending her time loving her two sons every day. She was the sweetest, moist compassionate person you have ever met. She did not judge, she never had harsh words. She loved being alive.
Three days later, I had my first day that was approaching "normalcy". I thought of her many times today, but I was also busy with running around town buying gardening supplies and taking the kids to a school event. Life goes on. My memory of her will endure, along with the love for my friend.
***
I have posted a link to the story (www.vnews.com/03122010/6455745.htm) that ran in my local paper, the Valley News. There are graphic details of the event, so it is not easy to read. However, sharing her story is providing my outlet for grief.
This is my friend Shena. I will miss her everyday.
This is my friend Shena. I will miss her everyday.
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